You Are My Conductor Of Light
by johnsarmylady
Summary: In the moments that Sherlock stood on the roof of St Bart's, and in the immediate aftermath, here are the thoughts and feelings that went through his mind as he talked to John. An angsty one-shot companion piece to What More Should I Have Done? Rated T for blasphemy Edited to reflect comments in reviews


**A companion piece to What More Should I Have Done?**** – I hope the angst level is not too much! The **_italics_** are Sherlock****'s th****oughts. Rated T for**** blasphemy.****  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Sherlock characters. Thanks to all the actors, writers, etc that make the original series so worth writing about!****  
****  
The words from TRF have been borrowed – I make no profit (in fact no money of any kind) from the use of these words, it just shapes the story.**

'_Ah, he's back! Good old reliable John.'_

John's phone rang as he got out of the cab. Hurrying towards the hospital entrance he pulled it from his pocket.

"Hello?"

"John"

"Hi Sherlock, you okay?"

"Turn around and walk back the way you came"

"No, I'm coming in"

"Just do as I ask, please!"

'_John, don't argue, your life's at stake here.'_

"Where?"

"Stop there"

"Sherlock"

"Okay look up, I'm on the rooftop."

"Oh God!"

"I….I….I can't come down so, we'll…we'll just have to do it like this"

'_Please John, just stay there and listen – I don't know how much time I have before they act!'_

"What's going on?"

"An apology" Sherlock paused "It's all true."

"What?"

"Everything they said about me – I invented Moriarty"

'_He doesn't believe me! Even from here I can see….Oh John, please! For once just stop thinking!'_

"Why are you saying this?"

"I'm a fake!"

"Sherlock….."

'_Can he hear the tears in my voice? Can he see? He knows I can cry at will if I need to, saw it before with Moriarty's game, will he believe it now? He must believe it now!'_

"The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade, I want you to tell Mrs Hudson and Molly – in fact tell anyone who will listen to you" – pause – "that I created Moriarty for my own purposes!"

'_You were ever my conductor of light, John, you inspired genius! Inspire them now, make them believe you! Make them hate me!'_

"Okay, shut up Sherlock, shut up. The first time we met, the first time we met you knew all about my sister right?"

'_You remember everything don't you? You were so in awe of me then, but I need to hurt you now.'_

"Nobody could be that clever."

"You could!"

Sherlock gave a little choked laugh – paused, then sniffed. Tears stained his pale cheeks, dried there by the wind that danced around the rooftops, oblivious to the drama unfolding in its playground.

"I researched you – before we met I discovered everything I could to impress you. It's a trick, just a magic trick"

'_All I ever needed was someone like you, John. Someone who believed in me' _

"No. Alright stop it now!"

"No stay exactly where you are – don't move"

"Alright"

The man on the roof took several rapid deep breaths "Keep your eyes fixed on me…please will you do this for me?"

'_Please God let him stay with me! This is hard enough…..'_

"Do what?"

'_Be my only friend still? Be the one witness who is unimpeachable, the one everyone will believe? Be the witness to my death!'_

"This phone call it's er, it's my note. 'S what people do don't they, leave a note?"

"Leave a note when?"

'_You know when, John. You know what comes next.'_

"Goodbye John"

John felt as if he were made of stone, or ice, frozen in place watching….distanced from reality. Time stood still.

"No….don't….."

Sherlock threw down his phone, spread his arms and, ever graceful, fell forwards.

'_John…please forgive me?'_

"Sherlock!...Sherlock"

As Sherlock plummeted he saw John start to move forward.

The plan flashed through Sherlock's mind - out of nowhere a cyclist will smash into john, knocking him off his feet. This will take him away from the impact scene... Sherlock hoped he wouldn't be too badly hurt, not physically hurt, although he knew there would be nothing he could do to prevent the emotional pain - John always felt things more keenly that he had.

John dragged himself to his feet, staggering towards the crowd now gathering around the body on the floor.

"Sherlock, Sherlock…."

He tried to push through the throng.

"I'm a doctor, let me come through – let me come through please, he's my friend, he's my friend please….please let me just…."

'_Don't let him too close…don't let him know…dear God keep him safe…..'_


End file.
